What do you think of when you picture a panda bear–short in size, furry, slow moving, gentle, stubby arms maybe? My next date had all of those qualities and some personality flaws to boot.
My mom, bless her heart, tried to fix me up with Mr. Panda Bear. She had great intentions as he was marvelous sounding on paper. He was the perfect age, mid 30s. He had a great job and lived by himself (roommates after a certain age don’t thrill me). He was single with no kids. He had nice siblings (I definitely did not have that last time). All excellent starting points in my opinion, and to be honest after the mess I had just left, anyone was a prize. She did warn me that he had some faults, he was short, no biggie so am I; he didn’t like to text, I figured I could break that habit, and he was painfully shy, hmmm that’s a tough one. I decided to go for it, told her to give him my number and shoot me text (trying to break the no texting thing right off the bat).
And so it began…. Mr. Panda sent one text: Hello, Drama Queen this is Mr. Panda. I got your number from your mom. I would like to meet. I will text at a later time to make plans. Bye.
My response: Great Mr. Panda! Tick tock a week passes…. Me again: Happy Thanksgiving Mr. Panda, talk to you soon….
Nothing in response for another week…?…. Hmm… ok I will give him a free pass with the holidays and him being “painfully shy” and all. Another brief text followed shortly after the week passed; I will spare you the details. We made plans to meet at a local restaurant for day drinks/lunch combo…
Mr. Panda had arrived before me. He was already inside and texted (!) to let me know that. I told him I was not sure who he was and would feel more comfortable if he met me outside. He did not answer (ugh, bad sign), so I bit the bullet and went in. He was the only guy sitting at the bar; to say I was disappointed is being kind. He looked nothing like his photo and his lack luster personality hit me like the scent of Axe spray wafting off a middle school boy. Besides the overall look, I could tell our personalities might not be a match. I am very attracted to assertive men, manly men, and he was the polar opposite. He whispered when he talked, couldn’t make decisions, and did not make eye contact—at all. I chalked it up to him being nervous and gave him the benefit of the doubt.
I do not want to relive this awkward experience, so I will give you the highlights of the date…
-Told me he was fat, did not eat his lunch and watched me eat mine making me so uncomfortable
-Did not ask any questions, so I had to control the conversation. It is so hard to have a one sided conversation, even for a big mouth like me.
-Brought up any and every person we may know if common, so he could them questions about me later (Hello!? You have me here, just ask me and make this date less strenuous for me!)
-Told me that I would meet his stepmother, whom everyone hated, and that the family would vote me to talk to her at family functions…. (Not even going to touch that one)
-Told me his family had a game… they like to see who can get the most wasted at events. Maybe he should do that now and we would have a little fun.
-Paid the bill, had my unfinished food taken away, and his coat on all while I went to pee. I was gone roughly six and a half minutes. This made me this most mad—I was really enjoying my salad and wanted to keep eating.
So did I run for the hills? Did I stop talking to him and change my number? Did I kill my mother?
To be continued…