I want a best friend not a boyfriend!

Can someone please tell me why finding a good friend is harder than finding a good man?!  I am not talking about facebook friends and twitter followers; I am talking about living breathing people who you interact with.

In your 30s people enter your life, through work, other friends, and relationships, but actual close friends those are in shorter supply.  As people approach “adult life,” priorities change and people often become pickier in what they want in their friends.  It gets increasingly harder to meet the three required Cs of friendship—closeness, convenience, and comfort.  This is why so many people meet their lifelong friends in college, and I’m left still searching.

Let’s face it, most people my age are “set in their friend ways,” so why would they be willing take on new friends they have to get to know? People become more wary about making themselves emotionally available to new people, friend or otherwise.  I thought back to the advice I constantly hear while trying to find a man: get involved, do things you love, don’t sit around, go out and meet people. So I did in hopes of finding a good friend, but none of this is working!  Like my failed attempts at trying to find a good man, I am failing at trying to find a good friend.

For example…I was shopping and a potential friend-worthy fellow shopper asked me about my handbag (love connection!).  We chatted for a moment about the bag when I noticed her handbag.  It was quilted.  It was expensive.  It was a-mazing.  Naturally, I told her I loved it, from one handbag lover to another.  If the friendship thing did not work out, I could steal her bag, right… That is when my fantasies took over.  I started to place her in my life like I do with potential love interests.   I imagined us meeting up for coffee, going out to dinner, her fixing me up with her cute older brother, sharing clothes, and becoming besties.  Before you sound the psycho alarm, I snapped out of it and started to panic.  I didn’t want her to think I was a lesbian trying to hit on her, nor did I want to appear like a loser with no friends (am I?!).  I ended it before it began, without an email exchange or hope for future meetings.  I couldn’t help but think it would be so much easier if she was a romantic interest.   At least with a romantic interest there’s flirting, chemistry and sex.  And, maybe even the added benefit of making friends with or through them.

People will say that at my age finding a mate is more important than another friend, but boyfriends come and go and friends are forever, right?!

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3 comments

  1. I guess we have certain inner thoughts in common. I’m now working on identifying the kind of thoughts and comfort zone behaviours that may negatively affect my ability to attract genuine friends.

    How’bout you? Are you aware of psychological triggers that can make you freak out when you meet new people?

  2. I think you hit the nail on his head. Even though I am still in my early 20s, it is always hard to trust people. And I think a part of “trust” is also trusting potential friends (and their posse) to recognize you as your are, instead of for example (as you pointed out) someone with love interests or someone you are not. I guess that when you feel like people see you entirely different than who you are or just if you think they are, that is the point we here you know a friendship will not work out. Maybe I am just rambling, because I might be overthinking this. Or does is make sense?

    1. Thank you so much for your comment! I totally understand where you are coming from… Sometimes we are trying so hard to impress people, that are true selves as you said are altered. Everyone says that you need to be happy with yourself to attract others, OK I will go with that… but it gets hard when you are trying so hard with nothing to show. Please keep in touch and feel free to contact me directly. We can always chat 🙂

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