dating

Where Have I Been?

Dating… it’s crazy and it seems that I get myself into the weirdest, most awkward, drama inducing situations.

When I broke up with X, I started to reconnect with friends that I had been “off limits.”  Along that journey, I reconnected with a male friend from college.  This was the guy I had all my good stories with, the guy who took me on adventures, got me into trouble, and I didn’t have to impress because we were friends.  It was one of the easiest and enjoyable friendships I have ever had.   He was exactly what I needed in my life after all this nonsense.

It started off innocent and simple-catch up on the present, rehash the past, and discuss the future.  Somewhere in between talking about a jello party and why we were both single, flirting ensued.  Now this wasn’t normal flirting, this was raw and emotional.  Maybe because there was a pre established comfort level there, but we shared things that most people don’t share after six months of dating even after a lifetime together.  And so it began, against my better judgment, I feel for this guy-hard.

Slow down with the celebrations over there—this is me and we all know my life is complicated.

New Guy, or shall we call him World Traveler, does not live in the same state as me.  In fact, he does not really have a state to call home because he travels all over the world for work.  He is rarely in the area, and when he is, it is for 48 hours (if we are lucky).  You can only imagine how obnoxious that is!  We have roughly laid eyes on each other three times in the past two months (talk about long distance huh?).  We work opposite schedules which makes communication a nightmare as well.  We talk every day, by text mostly, and have set up “rules” for our relationship survival (still a work in progress).

Are you screaming at me through the computer yet?  Are you telling me this is the biggest mistake ever?  Well… you should be…. this gets interesting and ugly….

TO BE CONTINUED…

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How to Get What You Want… In Bed

How do we get what we want in bed, without insulting our partners, or coming off as bitchy or complaining? The obvious and very annoying answer is communication.  I knew that already, but the other question is—how does one communicate these personal and sometimes awkward things?  I consider myself very blunt and straightforward (too blunt and straightforward?!?), so I have put together a little tips sheet if you will.  And once again, I am going to take my own advice.

Be the teacher not the student….

Nonverbal communication works wonders when it comes to sex and even other things.  Words can come out wrong or be misinterpreted, especially in the heat of the moment or when you’re getting down and dirty.  Show your partner how you’d like to be touched, moaning and verbal enthusiasm will let them know what turns you on, while gentle redirection with hand or body position will show them what doesn’t.  However, if your partner is a little slow on picking up the nonverbals or entering uncharted territory, you might need to spell it out.

Take a mental time out….

No matter what men and women say or how confident they appear, the bedroom is a scary place.  Let’s think about this, you’re pale and naked; depending on the position, things look really good or damn scary, who wouldn’t be self conscious and fully focused on what they are doing?!  Both sexes say that feeling emotionally connected is the most important part of mind-blowing sex.  Stop worrying about what you look like and what you’re doing wrong.  In fact, STOP THINKING all together.   Let your partner know what they are doing right. So… grip the sheets.  Beg.  Plead.  Talk dirty.  Pull some hair.  SHOW SOME ENTHUSIAM!  There’s no better way to ease your fears and someone else’s than to show you’re enjoying yourself.

 

Get excited….

Sex should be exciting and so should the events leading up to it.  Try different things to get you in the mood.  Sexy lingerie (see previous post), porn, sexting, even good old fashioned making out.  This should be considered part of foreplay; which should be a stroll, not a sprint.  Spice it up in and out of the boudoir.

 

The most important thing to remember in all this is that sex is supposed to be fun.  Once it becomes work or a chore, it is time to make a change—in the action not the partner (yet!).

M.I.A.

Hello World!  Remember me?!  I know I have been missing for a bit (more to come on that later), but I am back and thinking about starting a series on my blog….

I know a few bloggers that I follow have a regular topic post –Thirsty Thursday for cocktails, Makeover Monday for fashion, Sexed Up Saturday–for, well, the obvious… I want to post about getting what you want/need whether it be in the bedroom or in a relationship or even at work.  Stay tuned because I am working on one now, and, as always, your feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Who knows, maybe this time I will actually stick to following my own advice.

Why is it so Easy to Fall Out of Love?

People throw the words I love you around so carelessly these days.  Men say it to get women in bed.  Women say it to find security in a relationship.  What does it actually mean to be in love?  I cannot speak for everyone else; I am not a mind reader, a doctor, or a therapist.  What I am is 30 something woman with a lot of life and dating experience, so maybe that does make me an expert….

As I sit back and reflect on my past relationship/engagement, I start to wonder… What was I thinking?!   Why couldn’t I see then what I see now?!  Why didn’t I walk away sooner?!  Why did I even say yes?!  I can ask this now because I am removed from the situation.  I have had time to think and reflect on what my life could have been.  Believe me, this wasn’t easy and it didn’t happen overnight; it took writing this blog and realizing that I was never in love with my ex to spark the change…

I did love my ex, but I was not in love with him.  He was my best friend, I told him everything, and we had fun together.  That’s true love right?  So I thought at the time …. X was more of a girlfriend than a lover.  The love I felt for him was the same love I feel for my friends not the love I felt for HS BF or even the love I felt for The Canadian.  There was no passion, no spark, and no heat.  All the feelings I had in the beginning of the relationship, the honeymoon phase, had been replaced with resent, distrust, and disgust.  I tried to “fix it”, to “make things better”, to “force” feelings that were not there–we were engaged after all, how could I not feel the way I used to?

When all was said and done, I was left with this question…. Why is it so easy to fall out of love?

Love needs to take place between both partners; taking care of and supporting each other.  It requires trust, honestly, and respect.  Love means accepting a person for who they are; I do not want to have change someone to make us fit and work together… they will never change because you forced them or begged them to.  Sure, they may change for a little while to ease tension or appease you.  But unless that person really wants it, they want to change for them, it is never going to last it and it will only breed resentment. When we say I love you in the beginning of a relationship, we need to make sure we actually mean love and not lust.

As I go through the dating process, I have fine tuned what love looks like to me.  What it looks like in happy, successful, long term relationships.  I learned to love me first; learned to be mature enough to stand on my own.  I know that love will be disguised as lust, friendship, desperation, and comfort. To me, love is knowing that I do not need someone to complete me, but rather they should compliment me.

The Great Lingerie Debate

Since I am newly single after being in a long, comfortable relationship, I am improving a few areas in hopes of attracting a man instead of these “man boys” I have been acquiring by the dozen.  I thought I would start small… lingerie… nothing crazy, maybe attempt to match my bra and underwear perhaps?

Let’s get something straight here… I have never been the lingerie type.  I am all about comfort.  My undergarments are usually flesh colored (very practical), they are not sexy or slutty, and they are usually cotton.  I can’t even say the word panties (I cringe as I type the letters) for goodness sake!  I am not one to dog ear the lingerie catalog with plans of showing off my goods.  In fact,   I used to think it didn’t matter because it was coming off in five minutes… plus, X did not care what I wore.  Come to think of it, most of my old relationships did not care one way or the other… This new change would require research, lingerie is costly after all.

I started with my girlfriends-very few (OK one) had sexy lingerie.  Most of my friends are in the same boat as me or worse (sports bras aren’t just for the gym anymore apparently-thanks Genie Bra)… we wear what is comfortable on a daily basis unless we know something is going to happen.  For those moments, we dig a little deeper in the drawer and find our one go to matching set.  But what happens if you’re not “prepared”—are you rocking something that says “take me now” or something that says “enter at your own risk”?

Then I consulted Oldest and Most Brutally Honest Male Friend; his response was an eye opener… “Would you rather have a nicely wrapped present or a present wrapped in newspaper?  Obviously you want your gifts to look pretty, so shouldn’t that apply to your body?”  He is right!   I put effort into what others are seeing-my outfit, I should put the same effort into what I am seeing-the lingerie.   If I am feeling sexy, won’t I broadcast that message to others?  Maybe it would make the process a little easier and more fun.

That being said… I am not going to run out and raid Victoria’s Secret (baby steps), but I am going to try and break free of my flesh colored cotton bonds and add a little lace to the mix.  I am a gift; I should have a pretty bow after all. J

Exciting News

Not too long ago I was approached by Singles Warehouse, a great site, to write a post for them.  After some careful thought, I came up with a topic that is oh so near and dear to my heart…. INTERNET STALKING.  Although I am very guilty of doing this, very, very guilty… I can see the potential harm in doing it.  Please check out my post on their site and let me know what you think by posting comments.

http://www.singleswarehouse.co.uk/?p=29905

Could Online Stalking Be Bad For Your Dating Life (1)

Deal Breakers

Sitting with one of my oldest and most brutally honest male friends, I decided to probe him and get to the bottom of what guys are really looking for… or better yet, what pushes them away.  We got into a very interesting conversation on deal breakers.

Needy…. Clingy… Frigid… These were of few the words that came up.  They really stuck with me because they sound like someone’s worst nightmare, male or female.

Needy and clingy can be describe with almost the same words.  The person becomes your main focus; you think about them all the time, you want to talk to them, to see them, to text them (guilty!).  Who could blame you-you like them and enjoy their company.  Shouldn’t they enjoy yours and feel the same?  Be careful-there is a fine line between showing your interest and showing your obsessed.

This is a typical needy girl move- you text a guy you went on a date with twice.   You start to go ballistic that he didn’t respond to your text messages within two hours.  Here come the questions and negative thoughts… Does he like me?  Should I call him?  What did I do wrong?  Did he find someone else?  I’ll call him so we can talk about it.  Danger!  You have now become a Stage 5 Clinger.  Abort immediately, this one is a goner, darling.

Guys are attracted to confident girls.  I mean don’t we look for the same thing when we look for a guy?  Do we really want that guy that shows up to the bar when we are hanging out with girlfriends because he was worried when we didn’t answer his text an hour ago?  Kind of sucks the sexiness right out of him no matter how hot he is.  Neediness and clinginess come down to you defining yourself based on other people—makes you seem weak and insecure.  Everyone has insecurities but there is a tipping point when grave insecurity becomes pathetic and annoying.

Frigid is not a complex concept either, we are talking about guys here aren’t we.   It’s whether or not you have a sexually healthy appetite.  No one says you have to be a porn star in the bedroom, but taking chances shows that you trust your partner and you are willing to open yourself up to new experiences with them.  Always within reason of course, and only what you are comfortable with.

This is not rocket science, although having the self control to do this makes it seem like it is.  What cause us women to become “crazy” you ask… Being pushed into neediness or clinginess is based on the mixed messages guys send.  When guys are not able to express emotions or not able to communicate and problem solve or work through a solutions, it forces us to come up with our own scenarios, usually negative.

I discovered that the things that are turning guys away are the same things that turn us girls away.  The only difference, guys are quicker to toss a girl aside while we are busy trying to change the guy or make excuses for him, or worse, blame ourselves.

Revenge of Mr. Panda

I thought I had heard the last of Mr. Panda Bear, but a random Thursday rolled around and I got a very odd text from him.  Mr. Panda Bear:  Do you have you tube on your iphone or ipad?  Look up-College Humor How Texting Mind Games Will Ruin Your Life.

I watched the video and rage set in!  I texted my best friend immediately.

Me: watch this video

BF: Wow! That’s pretty funny.  Where did you get that?

Me: Mr. Panda Bear sent to me.

BF: Are kidding me?!  Who does he think he is?! What is he trying to say?!  He is telling you off with a video?!

BF: Let’s send him a video of you dumping him and telling him never to contact you again!

I have included the infamous video for your viewing pleasure:

http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6933742/how-texting-mind-games-will-ruin-your-life

Mr. Panda Bear Part 2

So I have a rule, everyone should have a two date minimum.  Give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they were nervous, and go out for a second time.  That being said, I had to relive the Mr. Panda nightmare all over again.  Damn it!

I avoided Mr. Panda’s Thursday only texts for two weeks.  Yes, you read that correctly, he would only text on a Thursday.  Lucky for me it was the holidays, so I this awkward hiatus was acceptable.  I finally gave into his request for a second date; he wanted to take me to a fancy restaurant for dinner.  The thought of reliving a meal with this man made me panic.  I suggested we go to the movies instead and even allowed him to pick.  We, I should say I, settled on a place and time….

Before I ventured into this experience, I decided to play it differently.  I would be assertive and speak my mind about the things that bothered me while we were together.  I was tired of being nice and not getting what I needed.   Maybe it was me and not him… fat chance.

Dooms day arrived.   He showed up before me once again, this time I told him he needed to meet me outside.  He was not a happy panda…. When we met, the line had grown long for the movie and was blocking the entrance.  He said we could go in ahead of the line since we had tickets.  When I tried to walk in, there was a large man blocking my path, I turned to Panda giving him the look …. “be a strong, brave man and get this dude out of the way..”  He was not getting it… I said, “Panda there is a big man blocking our way.”  Charming response from the panda: “Aren’t you going to do something about it?”  “Get him to move.”  Me?!  I’m sorry, who has the penis here?

As I counted down from 10 and got us seats, he loudly (what happened to his dainty whisper voice) declares that he likes when I tell him what to do.  He likes bossy women and really enjoys when they control him…. Wow!  I casually, for fear of killing one of us, let it go and try to keep the conversation light—bamboo, the climate in China, his black and white markings…  I think I am in the clear with this conversation when he blurts out, “By the way, I spoke to friend you have had since the fifth grade, and he told me all about you.  He told me everything since you were like 10.”  Hmmmm… who should I be more mad at, old friend or Mr. Panda?!  Why is he telling everyone in a 10 mile radius about us?  Why is he actually sharing with me that he is a gossip queen? Grrr….

Ah but my cosmic revenge would come… Mr. Panda was so uncomfortable with all the sex and drugs in the movie we were watching, I thought he might melt into a puddle.  This gave me slight satisfaction, as he picked the movie and laughed at my suggested choice.  The date ended with my body language screaming: if you even try to touch me, kiss me, or breathe near me, I will kill you.”  After another horrible experience, I wrote off Mr. Panda.  We were definitely not going to have a little Bao Bao anytime soon.

He got the hint, or so I thought.  Consistently on Thursdays for the next two weeks I received texts from Mr. Panda asking me out, even though all signs pointed to hell no.   I, being a puss, ignored the texts instead of being straight forward.  I think I did this because I did not want any repercussions for my mom. At least that’s what I told myself; so much for being assertive.

The lesson in all this… screw the rules if you can’t stand the guy.  Stop making others happy when it makes you unhappy.

Mr. Panda Bear

What do you think of when you picture a panda bear–short in size, furry, slow moving, gentle, stubby arms maybe?  My next date had all of those qualities and some personality flaws to boot.

My mom, bless her heart, tried to fix me up with Mr. Panda Bear.  She had great intentions as he was marvelous sounding on paper.  He was the perfect age, mid 30s.  He had a great job and lived by himself (roommates after a certain age don’t thrill me).  He was single with no kids.  He had nice siblings (I definitely did not have that last time).  All excellent starting points in my opinion, and to be honest after the mess I had just left, anyone was a prize.  She did warn me that he had some faults, he was short, no biggie so am I;  he didn’t like to text, I figured I could break that habit, and he was painfully shy, hmmm that’s a tough one.  I decided to go for it, told her to give him my number and shoot me text (trying to break the no texting thing right off the bat).

And so it began…. Mr. Panda sent one text: Hello, Drama Queen this is Mr. Panda.  I got your number from your mom.  I would like to meet.   I will text at a later time to make plans.  Bye.

My response:  Great Mr. Panda!  Tick tock a week passes…. Me again: Happy Thanksgiving Mr. Panda, talk to you soon….

Nothing in response for another week…?….  Hmm… ok I will give him a free pass with the holidays and him being “painfully shy” and all.  Another brief text followed shortly after the week passed; I will spare you the details.  We made plans to meet at a local restaurant for day drinks/lunch combo…

Mr. Panda had arrived before me.  He was already inside and texted (!) to let me know that.  I told him I was not sure who he was and would feel more comfortable if he met me outside.  He did not answer (ugh, bad sign), so I bit the bullet and went in.  He was the only guy sitting at the bar; to say I was disappointed is being kind.  He looked nothing like his photo and his lack luster personality hit me like the scent of Axe spray wafting off a middle school boy.  Besides the overall look, I could tell our personalities might not be a match.  I am very attracted to assertive men, manly men, and he was the polar opposite.  He whispered when he talked, couldn’t make decisions, and did not make eye contact—at all.  I chalked it up to him being nervous and gave him the benefit of the doubt.

I do not want to relive this awkward experience, so I will give you the highlights of the date…

-Told me he was fat, did not eat his lunch and watched me eat mine making me so uncomfortable

-Did not ask any questions, so I had to control the conversation.  It is so hard to have a one sided conversation, even for a big mouth like me.

-Brought up any and every person we may know if common, so he could them questions about me later (Hello!? You have me here, just ask me and make this date less strenuous for me!)

-Told me that I would meet his stepmother, whom everyone hated, and that the family would vote me to talk to her at family functions…. (Not even going to touch that one)

-Told me his family had a game… they like to see who can get the most wasted at events.  Maybe he should do that now and we would have a little fun.

-Paid the bill, had my unfinished food taken away, and his coat on all while I went to pee.  I was gone roughly six and a half minutes.  This made me this most mad—I was really enjoying my salad and wanted to keep eating.

So did I run for the hills? Did I stop talking to him and change my number? Did I kill my mother?

To be continued…