Friends Without Benefits

Well I am back at it… attracting the male misfits of the world.  This is a good one, one which left me puzzled to the point that I was speechless…

Here is a little back story to set the stage… I have a friend at work.  He is younger, by eight years; parties hard; fun to talk to; has a serious girlfriend–all qualities that would make him a friend/cool guy to keep you entertained during the down time; nothing more than that.  We have flirted in the past, but it was clearly established that he had a girlfriend and I was not pursuing that in any fashion.  He also made it clear that he had a crush on me but loved her.  Boundaries established?  Yeah, not so much…

I should have seen the storm brewing; it started with a rumor… He picked up my salad and brought it to my desk, I said “thanks babe” and that was all the gossip hounds needed to say we “were dating” or “sleeping together.”  Apparently the two are synonymous these days… who knew!?

He brought the rumor to my attention, which made me angry (I have the reputation of purity, almost angel status, to uphold here).   I wanted to work as a team to bring down the gossip hounds and deflate the rumor.  He wanted to relish in the attention like it was a secret fantasy.  After a lengthy discussion I said, “If we keep this going, what’s next?  We make out at work?”  It was like someone waved the green flag in front of him….

As I sat at my desk, he spun on his heels, grabbed my face and kissed me!  Not a gentle, casual kiss on the lips; he came in mouth open, guns blazing, ready to rumble.  To say I was flustered or shocked is an understatement.  I was speechless, it was evident.  His response, “Let’s try that again!” Ok pal, are we kidding here?  It was time to stand my ground, but what does one say when they were just mouth raped?!

I told him he was inappropriate; we were at work; there were cameras; he had a girlfriend for God’s sake!  He told me I sent mixed messages; she would never find out; his ego was bruised.  I think it is safe to say you know how this ends up—I hate him and want to murder him and he acts like nothing happened.  Ah men…

So I am left with these questions… Whatever happened to innocent flirting?  Whatever happened to guys and girls being just friends?

Deal Breakers

Sitting with one of my oldest and most brutally honest male friends, I decided to probe him and get to the bottom of what guys are really looking for… or better yet, what pushes them away.  We got into a very interesting conversation on deal breakers.

Needy…. Clingy… Frigid… These were of few the words that came up.  They really stuck with me because they sound like someone’s worst nightmare, male or female.

Needy and clingy can be describe with almost the same words.  The person becomes your main focus; you think about them all the time, you want to talk to them, to see them, to text them (guilty!).  Who could blame you-you like them and enjoy their company.  Shouldn’t they enjoy yours and feel the same?  Be careful-there is a fine line between showing your interest and showing your obsessed.

This is a typical needy girl move- you text a guy you went on a date with twice.   You start to go ballistic that he didn’t respond to your text messages within two hours.  Here come the questions and negative thoughts… Does he like me?  Should I call him?  What did I do wrong?  Did he find someone else?  I’ll call him so we can talk about it.  Danger!  You have now become a Stage 5 Clinger.  Abort immediately, this one is a goner, darling.

Guys are attracted to confident girls.  I mean don’t we look for the same thing when we look for a guy?  Do we really want that guy that shows up to the bar when we are hanging out with girlfriends because he was worried when we didn’t answer his text an hour ago?  Kind of sucks the sexiness right out of him no matter how hot he is.  Neediness and clinginess come down to you defining yourself based on other people—makes you seem weak and insecure.  Everyone has insecurities but there is a tipping point when grave insecurity becomes pathetic and annoying.

Frigid is not a complex concept either, we are talking about guys here aren’t we.   It’s whether or not you have a sexually healthy appetite.  No one says you have to be a porn star in the bedroom, but taking chances shows that you trust your partner and you are willing to open yourself up to new experiences with them.  Always within reason of course, and only what you are comfortable with.

This is not rocket science, although having the self control to do this makes it seem like it is.  What cause us women to become “crazy” you ask… Being pushed into neediness or clinginess is based on the mixed messages guys send.  When guys are not able to express emotions or not able to communicate and problem solve or work through a solutions, it forces us to come up with our own scenarios, usually negative.

I discovered that the things that are turning guys away are the same things that turn us girls away.  The only difference, guys are quicker to toss a girl aside while we are busy trying to change the guy or make excuses for him, or worse, blame ourselves.

Revenge of Mr. Panda

I thought I had heard the last of Mr. Panda Bear, but a random Thursday rolled around and I got a very odd text from him.  Mr. Panda Bear:  Do you have you tube on your iphone or ipad?  Look up-College Humor How Texting Mind Games Will Ruin Your Life.

I watched the video and rage set in!  I texted my best friend immediately.

Me: watch this video

BF: Wow! That’s pretty funny.  Where did you get that?

Me: Mr. Panda Bear sent to me.

BF: Are kidding me?!  Who does he think he is?! What is he trying to say?!  He is telling you off with a video?!

BF: Let’s send him a video of you dumping him and telling him never to contact you again!

I have included the infamous video for your viewing pleasure:

Mr. Panda Bear Part 2

So I have a rule, everyone should have a two date minimum.  Give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they were nervous, and go out for a second time.  That being said, I had to relive the Mr. Panda nightmare all over again.  Damn it!

I avoided Mr. Panda’s Thursday only texts for two weeks.  Yes, you read that correctly, he would only text on a Thursday.  Lucky for me it was the holidays, so I this awkward hiatus was acceptable.  I finally gave into his request for a second date; he wanted to take me to a fancy restaurant for dinner.  The thought of reliving a meal with this man made me panic.  I suggested we go to the movies instead and even allowed him to pick.  We, I should say I, settled on a place and time….

Before I ventured into this experience, I decided to play it differently.  I would be assertive and speak my mind about the things that bothered me while we were together.  I was tired of being nice and not getting what I needed.   Maybe it was me and not him… fat chance.

Dooms day arrived.   He showed up before me once again, this time I told him he needed to meet me outside.  He was not a happy panda…. When we met, the line had grown long for the movie and was blocking the entrance.  He said we could go in ahead of the line since we had tickets.  When I tried to walk in, there was a large man blocking my path, I turned to Panda giving him the look …. “be a strong, brave man and get this dude out of the way..”  He was not getting it… I said, “Panda there is a big man blocking our way.”  Charming response from the panda: “Aren’t you going to do something about it?”  “Get him to move.”  Me?!  I’m sorry, who has the penis here?

As I counted down from 10 and got us seats, he loudly (what happened to his dainty whisper voice) declares that he likes when I tell him what to do.  He likes bossy women and really enjoys when they control him…. Wow!  I casually, for fear of killing one of us, let it go and try to keep the conversation light—bamboo, the climate in China, his black and white markings…  I think I am in the clear with this conversation when he blurts out, “By the way, I spoke to friend you have had since the fifth grade, and he told me all about you.  He told me everything since you were like 10.”  Hmmmm… who should I be more mad at, old friend or Mr. Panda?!  Why is he telling everyone in a 10 mile radius about us?  Why is he actually sharing with me that he is a gossip queen? Grrr….

Ah but my cosmic revenge would come… Mr. Panda was so uncomfortable with all the sex and drugs in the movie we were watching, I thought he might melt into a puddle.  This gave me slight satisfaction, as he picked the movie and laughed at my suggested choice.  The date ended with my body language screaming: if you even try to touch me, kiss me, or breathe near me, I will kill you.”  After another horrible experience, I wrote off Mr. Panda.  We were definitely not going to have a little Bao Bao anytime soon.

He got the hint, or so I thought.  Consistently on Thursdays for the next two weeks I received texts from Mr. Panda asking me out, even though all signs pointed to hell no.   I, being a puss, ignored the texts instead of being straight forward.  I think I did this because I did not want any repercussions for my mom. At least that’s what I told myself; so much for being assertive.

The lesson in all this… screw the rules if you can’t stand the guy.  Stop making others happy when it makes you unhappy.

Mr. Panda Bear

What do you think of when you picture a panda bear–short in size, furry, slow moving, gentle, stubby arms maybe?  My next date had all of those qualities and some personality flaws to boot.

My mom, bless her heart, tried to fix me up with Mr. Panda Bear.  She had great intentions as he was marvelous sounding on paper.  He was the perfect age, mid 30s.  He had a great job and lived by himself (roommates after a certain age don’t thrill me).  He was single with no kids.  He had nice siblings (I definitely did not have that last time).  All excellent starting points in my opinion, and to be honest after the mess I had just left, anyone was a prize.  She did warn me that he had some faults, he was short, no biggie so am I;  he didn’t like to text, I figured I could break that habit, and he was painfully shy, hmmm that’s a tough one.  I decided to go for it, told her to give him my number and shoot me text (trying to break the no texting thing right off the bat).

And so it began…. Mr. Panda sent one text: Hello, Drama Queen this is Mr. Panda.  I got your number from your mom.  I would like to meet.   I will text at a later time to make plans.  Bye.

My response:  Great Mr. Panda!  Tick tock a week passes…. Me again: Happy Thanksgiving Mr. Panda, talk to you soon….

Nothing in response for another week…?….  Hmm… ok I will give him a free pass with the holidays and him being “painfully shy” and all.  Another brief text followed shortly after the week passed; I will spare you the details.  We made plans to meet at a local restaurant for day drinks/lunch combo…

Mr. Panda had arrived before me.  He was already inside and texted (!) to let me know that.  I told him I was not sure who he was and would feel more comfortable if he met me outside.  He did not answer (ugh, bad sign), so I bit the bullet and went in.  He was the only guy sitting at the bar; to say I was disappointed is being kind.  He looked nothing like his photo and his lack luster personality hit me like the scent of Axe spray wafting off a middle school boy.  Besides the overall look, I could tell our personalities might not be a match.  I am very attracted to assertive men, manly men, and he was the polar opposite.  He whispered when he talked, couldn’t make decisions, and did not make eye contact—at all.  I chalked it up to him being nervous and gave him the benefit of the doubt.

I do not want to relive this awkward experience, so I will give you the highlights of the date…

-Told me he was fat, did not eat his lunch and watched me eat mine making me so uncomfortable

-Did not ask any questions, so I had to control the conversation.  It is so hard to have a one sided conversation, even for a big mouth like me.

-Brought up any and every person we may know if common, so he could them questions about me later (Hello!? You have me here, just ask me and make this date less strenuous for me!)

-Told me that I would meet his stepmother, whom everyone hated, and that the family would vote me to talk to her at family functions…. (Not even going to touch that one)

-Told me his family had a game… they like to see who can get the most wasted at events.  Maybe he should do that now and we would have a little fun.

-Paid the bill, had my unfinished food taken away, and his coat on all while I went to pee.  I was gone roughly six and a half minutes.  This made me this most mad—I was really enjoying my salad and wanted to keep eating.

So did I run for the hills? Did I stop talking to him and change my number? Did I kill my mother?

To be continued…

A Picture is Worth….NOTHING

Everyone knows that a good picture is important to online dating. As shallow as I may sound, I look first read later. Come on, you do it too!  That being said, you would assume that I have a great photo-not so much.  I have a few photos my dad took from a wedding when I had a professional do my hair.  Although I look decent, what blows me out of the water are some of the photos by GUYS not the other girls…

The glamour shot. How do some of these guys afford these professional, borderline headshots, when I can’t afford regular blow outs at a blow dry bar?  There is the black & white shot, the sun setting shot, the sexy eyes shot…. These guys are styled and posed to perfection.  Do they look like this in real life? If so, can you imagine the competition for outfit compliments?! No, no, no there is only one fashion queen and it’s me.  Moving right along.

Then there are the half naked shots.  Shirt off, shirt half off, shirt lifted up for the sneak peak. Some are flexing, or looking in the bathroom mirror taking a selfie… Those I find a tad creepy, especially when they don’t show anything from the neck up….You look way better than I do, so beach dates are out, dinner dates are out, all dates are out.

I only peruse the “clean sites,” so I will not touch up on naked pics or penis pics…

Then there are those guys that just like to be shady… they have something to hide… For example, there was the guy that used his high school picture. What a cute guy! Turns out it he had aged 17 years and 30 pounds.  Or the guy that says 6’1, more like 5’6.  They guy that only puts up group shots, but doesn’t tell you which one he is…

My favorite was “creepy eyes.” Sent me a few photos…. only of the right side…. I grew a pair and asked about it. Go me! His response, the right side is my good side. My glass eye reflects poorly with the flash of the camera. That’s a keeper ladies and gents 🙂

Mr. Flat Tire

Jumped back into dating and went out with “Mr. Flat Tire” (you’ll understand the name shortly) against my better judgement.  Why do I continue to ignore my gut feelings?! Because I am the girl of a million chances. So here is the story….

I’m scheduled to go on a second date with this guy. I call him an hour before the date and say, “Hey, Mr. Flat Tire! I was really looking forward to our date. I have some bad news, I have a flat tire (this was actually true.  I was looking forward to the date and I did have a flat tire). What would be an appropriate response from Mr. Flat Tire….you can choose more than one answer……
1. I’m on the treadmill, I’ll call you back in 5 minutes.
2. Can you find a car somewhere to borrow?
3. How about a donut? Do you have one of those to use? It’s safe to cross a bridge with those (no it’s not Evil Kenevil)
4. I know it’s Sunday, but I’m sure you can run to a mechanic and get it fixed and then get here in time.
5. I’ll get someone else to go and call you later.

If you circled all of those, you are a winner! Yes, I had the pleasure of getting all those responses within a span of 10 minutes. Mr. Flat Tire never asked if I was ok, if I was stuck on the side of the road, or if he could help. He didn’t even ask the obvious, can I pick you up?! All he had to do was offer, I doubt I would have accepted.

Perhaps I should have seen the warning signs with Mr. Flat Tire…. when we first me he was an aggressive, drunk jerk. Almost pushed me onto train tracks! First date he told me hew as vindictive and if someone messes with him, he will get back at them if it kills him. Danger!!!  He was a let down, just like the tire.

So I continue to ask… why do I keep giving people so many chances when they show warning signs right from the start?