sex

How to Get What You Want… In Bed

How do we get what we want in bed, without insulting our partners, or coming off as bitchy or complaining? The obvious and very annoying answer is communication.  I knew that already, but the other question is—how does one communicate these personal and sometimes awkward things?  I consider myself very blunt and straightforward (too blunt and straightforward?!?), so I have put together a little tips sheet if you will.  And once again, I am going to take my own advice.

Be the teacher not the student….

Nonverbal communication works wonders when it comes to sex and even other things.  Words can come out wrong or be misinterpreted, especially in the heat of the moment or when you’re getting down and dirty.  Show your partner how you’d like to be touched, moaning and verbal enthusiasm will let them know what turns you on, while gentle redirection with hand or body position will show them what doesn’t.  However, if your partner is a little slow on picking up the nonverbals or entering uncharted territory, you might need to spell it out.

Take a mental time out….

No matter what men and women say or how confident they appear, the bedroom is a scary place.  Let’s think about this, you’re pale and naked; depending on the position, things look really good or damn scary, who wouldn’t be self conscious and fully focused on what they are doing?!  Both sexes say that feeling emotionally connected is the most important part of mind-blowing sex.  Stop worrying about what you look like and what you’re doing wrong.  In fact, STOP THINKING all together.   Let your partner know what they are doing right. So… grip the sheets.  Beg.  Plead.  Talk dirty.  Pull some hair.  SHOW SOME ENTHUSIAM!  There’s no better way to ease your fears and someone else’s than to show you’re enjoying yourself.

 

Get excited….

Sex should be exciting and so should the events leading up to it.  Try different things to get you in the mood.  Sexy lingerie (see previous post), porn, sexting, even good old fashioned making out.  This should be considered part of foreplay; which should be a stroll, not a sprint.  Spice it up in and out of the boudoir.

 

The most important thing to remember in all this is that sex is supposed to be fun.  Once it becomes work or a chore, it is time to make a change—in the action not the partner (yet!).

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The Great Lingerie Debate

Since I am newly single after being in a long, comfortable relationship, I am improving a few areas in hopes of attracting a man instead of these “man boys” I have been acquiring by the dozen.  I thought I would start small… lingerie… nothing crazy, maybe attempt to match my bra and underwear perhaps?

Let’s get something straight here… I have never been the lingerie type.  I am all about comfort.  My undergarments are usually flesh colored (very practical), they are not sexy or slutty, and they are usually cotton.  I can’t even say the word panties (I cringe as I type the letters) for goodness sake!  I am not one to dog ear the lingerie catalog with plans of showing off my goods.  In fact,   I used to think it didn’t matter because it was coming off in five minutes… plus, X did not care what I wore.  Come to think of it, most of my old relationships did not care one way or the other… This new change would require research, lingerie is costly after all.

I started with my girlfriends-very few (OK one) had sexy lingerie.  Most of my friends are in the same boat as me or worse (sports bras aren’t just for the gym anymore apparently-thanks Genie Bra)… we wear what is comfortable on a daily basis unless we know something is going to happen.  For those moments, we dig a little deeper in the drawer and find our one go to matching set.  But what happens if you’re not “prepared”—are you rocking something that says “take me now” or something that says “enter at your own risk”?

Then I consulted Oldest and Most Brutally Honest Male Friend; his response was an eye opener… “Would you rather have a nicely wrapped present or a present wrapped in newspaper?  Obviously you want your gifts to look pretty, so shouldn’t that apply to your body?”  He is right!   I put effort into what others are seeing-my outfit, I should put the same effort into what I am seeing-the lingerie.   If I am feeling sexy, won’t I broadcast that message to others?  Maybe it would make the process a little easier and more fun.

That being said… I am not going to run out and raid Victoria’s Secret (baby steps), but I am going to try and break free of my flesh colored cotton bonds and add a little lace to the mix.  I am a gift; I should have a pretty bow after all. J